How to Ask for Help
The thing is, people are wonderful and will help you if you ask, so it's worth learning how
How to ask for help?1
Well, the short answer is to just ask.
Like, if you haven't asked yet, that's the first problem. Consider just asking poorly or incorrectly. That's the easiest way. That's what a kid would do. They would just ask, and not worry about it, so this is the most straightforward way to ask for help.
Seriously, if this solves your problem, just don't bother reading the rest of the essay, there is no point. What you need is to be unblocked, not to read advice. So if this has unblocked you, and you currently feel the courage to ask for help from literally anyone, just go do it now. Send the text. Send the email. Write the tweet. It can be as simple as "I need help and don't know how else to ask, will someone get on the phone with me?"
Alright, with that out of the way...
Let's say that won't work for some reason. You have too much anxiety, your ask is too specific, you don't know who to ask, you've already asked, you don’t know what to say, or you simply don't have the motivation... let's cover these blockers.
You have too much anxiety — this is tricky and depends on the specifics of your anxiety. The most helpful strategy by far to tackle anxiety is to act with yourself first because anxiety often means we are scared of facing something. What I would do is start a 5-minute Squibbler session, with the starting prompt "I have too much anxiety to ask for help, and I don't know why...", then simply free-write for 5 minutes and see where it takes you. Maybe your anxiety will reveal one of the more specific problems below. Hopefully no matter what, you'll uncover a potential strategy.
Your ask is very specific — this one actually isn't a problem, it's a benefit. If your ask is very specific and you know what it is, you're in a very lucky position, since specific wishes are far easier to grant. Just articulate the ask in as many paragraphs as necessary, then send it. See point 5 also for what to write.
You don't know who to ask — a classic dilemma! I have problems, but who can help? Well, here is a list of some simple first guesses. Go down the list until one feels easy enough, and then stop reading and go ask: [your parents, chatgpt, a college professor, twitter, a blogger, me (since you're here already), your closest friend, your enemy, r/AskReddit, a niche forum, 311]. If the first person you try to ask doesn't respond, just go down the list. Hell, just ask everyone, there is no shame in asking. If there’s basically no one to ask because you’re reaching for the frontiers of knowledge, here’s a guide for that.
You've already asked — honestly, this is another one of those fake problems. It's a good problem to have, you already have a first draft! You need to follow up, so do it now. Just look at your first ask, run it by a close friend for edits, and then ask again. Ask a new person. Ask 5 new people. Go back to problem 3 if you don't know who to ask for help this time around. There is no shame in asking twice, or 3 times, just don't ever expect a response. If people aren't responding, consider that something to work on, rather than something you are entitled to. As long as you aren't entitled to others' help, I'd say just keep iterating until you find the right person to help you. Remember there are 8 billion people out there.
You don’t know what to say — Learning how to write a good ask requires a whole blog post. Luckily, Visa wrote a short one, and you can read it here. The best line is: “Make it easy for them to say yes. Don’t give them the responsibility of figuring out what kind of help you need. Nobody wants additional responsibility for no clear reward or payoff.”
You don’t have the motivation — Then you probably don’t want to!! No need to force yourself, but if you’re internally conflicted, then try writing it out. There’s probably some wisdom in your lack of motivation, and try to figure it out what it is, specifically. So specifically that you either decide to do it, or decide not to, once and for all.
Okay now go ask. At least ask yourself for help. I dare you to make one ask right now. Preferably, ask in public. Maybe even ask in the comments below, so we can play a little game.
The world gets better if we get better at asking for what we want, and helping when we can.
— Andrew
Apparently, I am writing this essay because I referenced an essay called "How to Ask for Help" in another essay I'm writing called "Artists need Project Management, Not Projects". But I hadn’t actually written “How to Ask for Help” yet, so here I am, in a nested writing session.