Thought Confetti #5: It's Been A While.
Some meandering thoughts on Fatherhood [6671/1,000,000 0.67% toward my goal]
Wow, it's been a while since I've talked to you at length, dear reader.
As a reminder to those who are unaware -- Thought Confetti is a recurring series on this newsletter where I am challenged to write continuously, stream-of-consciousness style, using an app called "The Most Dangerous Writing App". If I stop writing for more than a few seconds, I'll lose everything I've written so far, and be forced to start over from scratch. For this session, I've chosen to set the timer at 10 minutes, which tends to mean about ~500 words of stream-of-consciousness writing. Anyway, on to my thoughts:
To tell you the truth, I've been feeling writers block for a long time with respect to this blog. The container doesn't feel right, and yet, when I think about committing to other containers, they feel too intimidating.
In other words: I'm stuck in transition from one level to the next. This blog feels like a "starter" blog to me -- a place where I put anything and everything I want to publish online (anything longer than a tweet, that is)...
But what if I want to say something serious? Do I post it to "Good Vibrations"? Do I put it in a Thought Confetti?
And what if I want to revisit a theme repeatedly? I wish for a container to discuss my most serious thoughts, my most dangerous thoughts. Something doesn't feel quite right about simply grouping them up on this newsletter.
And yet, I can't shake the feeling that everything above is just an advanced form of stupidity. Who cares where I publish the thoughts? I can simply republish them as a collection at a later date!! The important thing is to write them.
So... perhaps I should just get on with it and tell you the sorts of things I've wanted to write about.
Well, I want to write about my impending fatherhood -- I'm on the path to become a dad. In fact, it will be here any day now, with our expected due date as April 26th. I have so many thoughts. I've been getting so many questions. Actually, fuck it, let's dive into it here:
The question I most commonly get asked with respect to my soon-to-be child is some variation of "How are you feeling?" or "What is it like to be so close to being a parent?" or "Do you feel like you are ready?"
I can't help but interpret these questions as a small (though genuinely lovable) amount of externalized anxiety. As if the interlocutor is actually asking me "Will I be okay if I decide to have kids soon?" -- trying to confirm whether the cultural neuroticism around children is founded or unfounded.
So allow me to answer here, once and for all: I feel NORMAL. lol. What is it like to be so close? It's pretty REGULAR. It's like being close to starting a new job, or being close to a big trip, or being close to your wedding. I've had months and months to acclimate to the sensation of getting closer to fatherhood, and it just feels... normal! I'm excited to meet her, I talk to her constantly, I'm deeply in love with my wife (and my love seems only to deepen every day), I read books about how to be a supportive birth partner... but it all just feels like normal life! My life now includes expecting a child and caring for a pregnant wife, but those things aren't overwhelming by any means.
"Do you feel like you are ready?" I definitely feel ready, though I don't know what sort of readiness is meant by this question! I'm prepared for my world to be tilted on its axis, for all my expectations to be thrown out the window, for none of my preparations to matter. I'm ready to love this little being more than I can imagine now. But I also feel like challenging the premise: what other option is there?
This little baby doesn't really need anything except its parents (for home and care) and the world (for knowledge and exploration). Obviously there are a lot of details along the way, but the basics are already there... there isn't really anything to get ready!
Etymology of the word "ready" tells me it comes from two distinct influences, combined: the proto indo-european *h₂reh₁- "to count, put in order, arrange, make comfortable” and *reydʰ- “to ride”, as in set to ride a horse.
On the one hand, is everything in my life "put in order" and "arranged" and "made comfortable"? This is a moving target, but I spent the last 2 years of my life building a dense, walkable community of ambitious friends who will take care of me, challenge me, and learn with me. In that sense, I feel about as comfortable as I could imagine. I have a great family, and I'm hoping to convince them to move closer to us. Financially, I'm doing alright now, since I've started this Software Bootcamp, but throughout the pregnancy neither of us had any income (though I was in the enviable position of trusting my ability to get a sufficient income, if I needed it).
I find it interesting that I never get such questions from parents (e.g. "How are you feeling?") -- I suspect parents understand that there isn't really any special overwhelming feeling that comes as birth grows closer. It's more of a slow burn, and then (presumably) an intense flurry of activity, emotion, exhaustion, and acclimation. Comments from parents tend to be overwhelming grouped as: 1. practical tips and product suggestions, 2. general emotional advice, 3. reassurance that it will be amazing.
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I ended up doing some weird hybrid thing with Thought Confetti today because, after my timer ran out, I continued writing this parenting section. Anyway, my challenge continues: 1 million words of thought confetti, here I come! I'll talk to you again soon.