From the Group Chat: On Being Sexy in Relationships
My group chat discusses the subtleties of adult hotness
Kind of a weird post today, but this is how I got around writer’s block! Here is an excerpt from one of my favorite group chats about leveraging hotness as an adult. It’s basically unedited (including embarrassing diction!), except for censoring names, so it gives you a window into the dark forest of Zoomer group chats on the internet. I hope you enjoy — back to the regularly scheduled program tomorrow!
me:
Like, think about how important hotness is for your life in your 20s
People seeing you as, in some way, hot is a huge part of many friendships, business deals, social status, invitations...
E:
yea, i think a good relationship should involve some amount of
like
will they won't they
jealousy baitin
me:
actually kinda based, but only if you can talk about it and aren’t actually causing fear
A (she):
guys hit on me when i’m out and i tell A [bf] about it
me:
yea, this can be quite healthy and fun, imo (but talking about it flirtatiously is v important, and not crossing boundaries is crucial of course)
A:
A [bf] functionally went on a date w a girl a few weeks ago
me:
oh?
P:
i agree with this
not anything mean and the other person should always feel secure (at a deeper level)
but like
light jealousy makes for good sex
me:
yup
R:
J walks into a room and considers who he could kill with his bare hands. P walks into a room and considers who she could own. they are not the same
me:
If your relationship precludes you from being hot in the world, it is quite limiting. Ideally it should be the opposite. Your relationship should empower you to go out in the world and be hotter, so you get even more opportunities.
Entire careers are built on being a sex icon. Most famous actors and actresses, most famous musicians, most famous celebrities in general, many famous politicians... the list goes on, but it's basically true for any career path that being hot helps while you're young.
A:
Is it always a date if you're 1:1 with a girl?
me:
I guess it's not a date, from the perspective of "dating"... like, you are not actively dating this person. But your goal was to enjoy yourself with them and vice versa (platonically). This is what it means to be friends. But in your case making a girl feel good is different than making a guy feel good since the girl might enjoy casual & innocuous flirting from you — it boosts their ego. This is all very hard to describe in the abstract.
Here's an example: when I worked in fashion, it was common for salespeople to hug, kiss on the cheek, and flirt with clients of the opposite gender.
Saleswomen would do this differently than salesmen — they would let the male clientele do the flirting, but definitely with a wink and a nod.
Why do any of this? There was obviously no sexual pretense at all -- so what's the point?
It's like when your grandma calls you cute. The point is to make each other feel good.
On being perceived by what you wear
z:
one of my roommates recently stopped wearing glasses and people have stopped calling him "smart" at work. they used to do it all the time
me:
ya, I was smart-maxing for a while during my glasses-wearing phase, but didn't realize it at the time
It's good to have glasses so you can put them on and off for different functions
very much does change how you're perceived
z:
superman <> clark kent meme is real
me:
Very rough, but glasses (for men):
- lower your confidence, ego, hotness, power (type 1 sex appeal)
- increase your intelligence
- increase your sensitivity/cuteness/thoughtfulness (type 2 sex appeal)
The interesting thing is that I didn't really think explicitly about any of this back when I was deciding what to wear / how to present myself
but looking back it's pretty obvious I was trying to be picked up a certain way.
When I experimented with glasses, I clearly wanted to be seen as cuter, instead of sexier
It's probably even true now. I don't explicitly decide what I should wear in the moment, but I guess I could choose to reflect on each morning's choices and try to make sense of it, if I wanted to...
Kinda crazy how many socially meaningful decisions we're capable of making subconsciously
Kind of a weird post today! Maybe I’ll unpublish later — thanks for reading :)